Monday, October 27, 2014

# 52: Hot Chicks at Church


You should keep going to church because there are a lot of hot chicks there.  

There’s a lot of babes in my ward.  Believe me.  I see them every Sunday.  We say hi to each other.

Of course, I’m happily married to the most babe-a-licious babe of all the babe-a-licious babes, so it’s not like I’m flirting with any of these women.  I just enjoy their company during the three hours of church.  I just wave and say, “Hi Sister So-and-so,” and sometimes they say hi back.  That's all.

Seriously, Mormon women are attractive.  And charming.  And hard-working.  And good cooks.  And they enjoy long walks across the country, wearing bonnets.  ;) 

Of course, it depends on where you live.  I’ve heard a lot of Mormon women these days, especially in the rich suburbs of Salt Lake City, are shallow spoiled brats.  And some of them are crazy.  Stay away from the crazy ones.  But the majority of Mormon women are downright lovely.

What is it that makes Mormon women so hot?  Well, maybe it has to do with their spirituality.  Spirituality is sexy.  Remember when Moses came off of the mountain with the Ten Commandments, and his face was glowing?  Remember that?  Well, what could be more attractive than a glowing face?  I do think that righteous and spiritual Mormon women have glow-powers.  And women who have glow-powers attract men who also have glow-powers.  

Even Trey Parker, one of the creators of South Park, can’t deny the attractiveness of Mormon girls.  His first girlfriend was Mormon, and he says that she was just the nicest young woman with the nicest family.  

If you’re at that stage in life when you’re looking for a spouse, then it’s a great idea to keep going to church, even though you might not believe in all its doctrine or teachings.  Don’t worry about the history or doctrine too much.  That’s my attitude.  If you can live the lifestyle, and enjoy it, then why not stay and get yourself in a position to marry one of those fiery darts of the Relief Society?

And the women are plentiful! If you go to any of the BYU colleges, you’ll find binders and binders full of women just pining away in their dorm rooms, waiting for a guy like you to ask them out to the nearest frozen yogurt stand!

And they dress up on Sundays, and most of them know how to sing, and they’re non-smoking, and they aim to please.

And they exercise!  They were told in the last General Conference to exercise!  I don’t remember who said it, and I don’t feel like looking up the reference, but I’m pretty sure that some guy in a tie said it.  (I don't want the women to obsess about their looks.  That's not very Christ-like.  But, to a reasonable extent, I do want women to care about their appearance.

Ha!  Turns out I’m not the only one to notice the hot chicks at church.  Somebody asked on Yahoo Answers a while back, "Why are Mormon girls so hot?" 


"just moved to arizona and there is all these really hot girls I keep meeting and my cousins say they are mormon and they wont have any interest in me. But wow, there all so hot, what do you do in that church to crank out the hotties, and good god, the moms are bad either and their all so obedient, whats going on, and is there really magic undies?"

And some poster named R Rosskopf responded, 

Anyone who wears as much clothing as a Mormon girl in Arizona is going to be hot! ;-) 

Seriously, though; I knew this LDS girl in High School who was the most popular girl in school. I tried to look at her objectively and discovered that if you took away the love and the light that seemed to emanate from her, that she was was only average in looks. Her spirituallity and her personality made her into the most beautiful of women."

That's a wonderful response.  There's a lot of other entertaining responses on that thread.

Well guys, hang in there.  Learning about the dark side of church history is rough.  But uh... try not to worry about the history, and just bask in the glow of the hot chicks at church.  

Oh, and if you're a woman going through a faith crisis reading this, just pretend that reason # 52 to stay LDS is "Hunky Guys at Church."

And if you're offended at me using the term "chicks," or "babes" or anything, well, uh... I don't care.  Ha ha ha.  

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