Thursday, August 21, 2014
# 49: The Refried Beans Are Yummy
If you stay LDS, you can buy some great refried beans for a low price from an LDS cannery. The ingredient list is short. It only contains two items: beans and salt. The beans are processed so they can be stored for a long time- five years, in fact, which is much longer than the shelf life of an ordinary can of refried beans.
The most important thing about the beans is that they're delicious.
They're dehydrated, so you basically just add water. All you do is put some water in a pot, and bring it to a boil. Dump in some big scoops of the beans. You can follow the ratio printed on the label, or you can just do whatever. If you like your beans runnier, add more water. If you like them thicker, add more beans.
Turn the stovetop off, put a lid on the pot, and let the beans just sit there for a few minutes. I think the recommended sitting time is 10 minutes, but it can be more like 5 minutes if you're in a hurry. Stir the beans occasionally, if you feel like it. This isn't rocket science. In fact, it's hard to mess these beans up.
Once the beans are done, put them on a tortilla. Add some shredded cheese, jalapeños, tomatoes, and maybe some avocado and a dollop of sour cream, and Wham! You've got yourself a delicious burrito!
Oh, and the beans will be so hot you don't even have to put the rest of the stuff in the microwave. The heat of the beans will actually melt the shredded cheese. Yeah, you gotta be careful, actually, because the beans can be so hot they can burn your mouth. It's a good idea to let them cool down a little before you eat them. One time I dropped some hot beans on my wrist and Ouch! That hurt!
Another important thing about the beans is that they're addictive. My non-member in-laws are hooked. They always have a # 10 can of the beans squirreled away, and they affectionately refer to them as "Mormon Beans."
I've tried a lot of refried beans in my life, and I can't find another brand that beats "Mormon Beans" when it comes to taste, quality and price. What are you waiting for? Go buy a case of refried beans at the LDS cannery nearest you!
Actually, the truth is, you can buy the beans whether or not you're a member. So, if you resign because you don't believe in the church anymore, you can still come back for the beans.
Perhaps Reason # 49 is a lousy reason to stay LDS. Oh well.
I'm hungry. Maybe I'll go fix myself a burrito.
Wait! I just thought of something else! If we all leave the Church, who's gonna make those beans?! Somebody's gotta keep making them! They're so good! And who's gonna sell the beans to all the ex-Mormons and all the other hungry bean-eaters?
Hmmm... maybe Reason # 49 is a pretty good reason to stay after all!